Letting the Elephant Run

I've Moved -- but this time, it's not the Navy's fault!

2007-12-22T19:26:00.001-06:00

When the folks at Military Spouse Magazine offered me a spot blogging on the MilSpouse website, I took about 2 seconds to think about it and said, "Um, yeah!"

Between that and my weekly newspaper column, however, (did I mention I'm raising 3 boys, too?) I'm not talented enough to come up with even more blog material here. Well, I could come up with it, but I can promise you that it would all be.....well, you know....

So hop on over to MilSpouse, on the right-hand side, click on "Sarah Smiley - Alpha Spouse" (their name for me, not mine. Really!), and leave me lots of good comments. Okay?

"Who's Avery?": A Lesson on the Civil War

2007-05-27T13:48:00.000-05:00

Perhaps we have been living in the South too long.

Today I overheard our oldest boys (Ford, 6, and Owen, 4) discussing the Civil War.

"Sorry, Owen, but the North wins," said Ford. "Slavery is bad."

Apparently this is a line straight out of Night at the Museum, but it took me by surprise nonetheless.

Owen said, "Who's Avery?"

"No, Owen, it's slavery, not Avery."

"Why is the slavery guy bad?" Owen said.

"It's not person, Owen. It's…it's….I don't know what it is."

Then they both yelled in unison, "Mom, what's slavery?"

This is the kind of moment for which no parenting book can prepare you. How do I explain slavery to a 6- and 4-year old?

I chose my words carefully. But before I tell you what I said, let me set the scene. The boys were coloring in the kitchen. I was sitting 8-feet away on the living room couch. In the airconditioning. Dustin was outside mowing the lawn. In the heat.

"Slavery is complicated," I said to the boys. "It means that one person makes another person do all the work…"

No, wait, what if they say, "Well you make Dad do all the work?" I thought and revised:

"I mean, it's when one person keeps another person from doing something they want to do so that they can instead do what the slave-keeper wants."

Oops. Did the boys hear me telling Dustin this morning that he couldn't go golfing because there was work to do?

"What I mean, boys, is that a slave was someone who plowed the field…"

No, too close "mowing the lawn".

"I mean, slaves did the hard work that no one else wanted to do…"

No, can't say that either.

Finally, I stood up and said, "Never mind. Aren't you guys too young to watch Night at the Museum anyway?"

Then I left the room and made a mental note to check the movie's rating next time I saw it.

Excelling at Hypochondria

2007-05-24T14:19:00.001-05:00

(Before you read, scroll down to the bungee-jumping picture below, guess who it is, and then continue....)

I don't want to brag, but one thing I excel at is being a hypochondriac.

Some people might say they are a hypochondriacs, but these are the people who simply go to WebMD to self-evaluate symptoms and then determine they have some kind of well-known Cancer.

True motivated hypochondriacs like me believe WebMD is useless. No, we go straight for the good stuff: literature meant only for doctors. I'm not satisfied with cheery information in laymans' terms. I need the facts.

I am probably one of the few people without a medical degree who knows what a digastric muscle is, where it's located and to which part of the body it refers pain. I've become fairly comfortable in my ability to investigate and understand diseases and conditions that scare the living heck out of me, but there is one area of medicine that still sends me into that downward spiral of despair: pharmaceuticals.

Pharmacists should never -- repeat: never-- give me those little inserts about what the drug I'm about to ingest might do or has done to four people in the past.

My husband Dustin gets a solemn look on his face any time I'm prescribed a new medication. That's because five doses into it, I'll still be asking him, "Do you think I'm allergic to this?" Sometimes I take the first dose of a medicine while the pharmacist watches. Just in case.

I'll give you a minute to get over laughing at me.

But in all seriousness, I get major anxiety about taking medicine. It's a control issue, I know. I've only been put under general anesthesia one time, and I was so afraid to give up control, the doctors said I talked until I was struck unconscious, and the last thing I said was: "Did I ever tell you guys that I've bungee jumped?"

Now, I know you'll be surprised to hear this, but I wasn't kidding about the bungee jumping. I've actually jumped 110 feet FOUR times.

So why can't I swallow an antibiotic without having an anxiety attack?

Well, perhaps I should back up and little and say that I didn't actually JUMP off the bungee platform. My brother pushed me. He called it shock therapy.

You see, some people will say I'm weak for my fears and anxiety, but when it comes right down to it, I think I might actually thrive on the challenge of overcoming fears.

Cheers [holding up my new bottle of antibiotics] to that!

Just in case you don't believe me that I bungee jumped (four times!), here's a photo:

Letting the Elephant Run

2007-05-23T10:59:00.000-05:00

This blog began as a way to address multiple column gems in The Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman after my editors decided three back-to-back pieces on the subject was enough.

But now The Bachelor is over, and I find myself hesitant to delete this blog. I rather like having a place to vent my uncensored thoughts and rejected column ideas.

Therefore, I am renaming smiley-sarah.blogspot.com "Letting the Elephant Run."

Abraham Lincoln once said, "When you have an elephant by the hind legs and he wants to run, it's best to let him go."

Somehow this quote pops into my head throughout my daily life as a mom to three boys.

What does it mean?

I'll let you decide.

How Much Leave Can One Man Take?

2007-05-23T10:43:00.000-05:00

I almost fell out of my chair during last night's "After the Final Rose" episode of The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman. First LT Andy Baldwin said that he and his new fiance, Tessa Horst, had immediate plans to visit family on the East Coast. Then, Chris Harrison presented them with a gift -- a hike on the Inca Trail.

Dustin called out from the other room, "Is that guy still in the Navy?"

I know Baldwin claims to have taken 60 days of personal leave to film the show, but my gosh, he's seemingly been on one long media tour ever since, and now he's going on vacation?

All I can say is I wish I had known this eight years ago when my husband almost couldn't get leave for one weekend to get married.

No, I'm not bitter (or, maybe I am), but here's what my Navy husband has been doing since Baldwin started his Bachelor odyssey earlier this year: missing his sons' tee-ball games and preschool graduation while he works 14-16 hour days.

Before you tell me my husband could take leave if he wanted to, let me say that just because you have leave on the books doesn't always mean that you can (or should) use it.

And also, sometimes being in the military plain stinks.

Do You Accept These Ducky Pajamas?

2007-05-22T16:26:00.000-05:00

My mom, a Navy wife of 30+ years, called me after LT Andy Baldwin on the last episode of The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman told Tessa Horst (now his fiancee) that she was beautiful in blue.

Mom was trying to get my dad to say that she is beautiful in her pajamas with ducks on them.

I told Mom that my husband had given me Pink Eye.

We both hung up and went to bed.

That's reality.

Men in Uniform: There's More Than One

2007-05-21T21:37:00.001-05:00

Chris Harrison: "Which woman's dreams of marrying a man in uniform will end TONIGHT?"

Me: Thank God I got my man in uniform because apparently there is only ONE!

Note to all of Andy's discarded bachelorettes: There are more men in uniform out there.

Andy Baldwin Searches for the "Perfect" Military Wife

2007-05-21T21:19:00.002-05:00

The "perfect" Navy wife can't be selected. She is created.

The idea that Andy is putting these women through hoops before marriage to determine if they are a good military wife really bothers me. Most of us are put through the hoops after we've commited ourselves to the military life and Uncle Sam creeps up with his various demands the first time. That, my friends, is the only true test of a "good military wife."

It will only be through hindsight that we determine whether or not Andy's pick is suited for military life.

And by then, most of us won't care any more.

Long Distance: Military Wives Can Deal with It

2007-05-21T21:19:00.001-05:00

I'm watching the finale, and did Bevin just say she doesn't believe in long distance relationships?

Hello, that's what being a Navy wife is all about! The first three years my husband and I were married, he was home for maybe 12 months (and not consecutively). If Bevin marries Andy, she will probably need to revisit the idea of long distance relationships the first time he deploys.

The Bachelor: Points to Ponder

2007-05-21T20:55:00.000-05:00

So I've been MIA for awhile. No, I haven't missed a single episode, but you know, with three kids and a husband of my own, Andy's quest to find true love isn't always on the top of my list of priorities. Call me crazy.

(Oh, and I have DVR.)

But can I just say this......

Hawaii isn't Andy's home!
Love the way ABC has played this up. But when is LT Baldwin's PRD (projected rotation date) exactly? The first year the happy couple will live in beautiful Hawaii....the second year they will live in, I don't know, Chorpus Christi? Mayport, FL? Welcome to the Navy Mrs. Baldwin!

My Interview with Lt. Andy Baldwin, The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman

2007-04-30T14:39:00.000-05:00

Catfights. Alliances. Rivalries. Rumors. Twenty-five women in one room.Sounds like a night at your monthly Spouse Club meeting, but it is an episode of ABC's "The Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman" where a selection of women (all with background checks, something the Spouse Club is never lucky enough to obtain) vie for the attention of one bachelor.

This season’s bachelor is Lt. Andy Baldwin, a diving medical officer with Mobile Diving and Salvage Unit ONE (MDSU1) in Pearl Harbor, Hawaii. At the age of 30, Andy has accomplished much –ESPN's National Scholar Athlete of the Year (1995), six-time Iron Man– but he still hasn't found Mrs. Andy Baldwin.

Although it seems obvious to me that he's been too busy to find a bride, each Monday night from now until late-May, ABC and those aforementioned background checks will apparently do the trick. During what I'm sure host Chris Harrison will deem the "most exciting Rose Ceremony ever," in the final episode, Andy proposes to his chosen one.

But forget about did-you-find-true-love and when's-the-wedding type questions. When I had the opportunity to interview Andy, I wanted to get down to the heart of things: Is the future Mrs. Baldwin ready for the Spouse Club? Does she know what she's gotten herself into? Between triathlons, the Navy and being a doctor, will you have time for a wife? And, most importantly, Andy, how did you get leave to do reality television?

Getting answers out of a Bachelor contestant before their one-year confidentiality contract expires is like trying to find out how your six-year old's day at school went. What's worse, Baldwin has been trained by the U.S. Navy, whose motto is "Always keep the Spouse Club guessing."

First, I let Baldwin clear up some rumors. No, the $600,000 Saleen S7 he drives on the show is not his. No, he doesn't live on a yacht. He only wore his uniform when the cameras followed him to the Arizona Memorial (he was not allowed to wear it for any other part of the show). And, no, he didn't receive special treatment from the military to appear on "The Bachelor," either. In fact, the Navy officially declined to support this endeavor, so Baldwin did it on his own time, eating up 40 days of personal leave.

"I used [my time] to pursue a very important goal," says Andy. "I am at the point in my life where I am ready to settle down, get married, and have a family."

And if it required a whole year's worth of leave to live in the presence of 25 beautiful women, by golly, Andy was going to do it. Let's just say he's taking the heat — the criticism, the ribbing — for all the other military guys out there who are dying to do the same. Someone had to do it.

"The last day of filming happened in early March," says Andy. "I was back at work the next day, taking care of my divers. Everyone from my Command was very supportive."

In fact, in another interview with US Magazine, Andy said his buddies at MDSU1 have offered to "be available for personal bereavement counseling" for all the gals who left sans rose. Now that's support.

I mentioned to Andy that the imposed separation between him and his bride-to-be post-filming might be good practice for life as a Navy couple. "During this time apart," I asked, "have you noticed any characteristics in your fiancé that make her well-suited for deployments?"

"This is nothing compared to the separation a military spouse must endure when the love of their life is away on deployment or put in harm's way," said Andy. "Right now we are both extremely happy and basically in a long distance relationship."

Yes, I suppose it is nothing like deployment. ABC has guaranteed Andy and his bride a reunion date, after all. When was the last time the Navy did that?

Moving on to Baldwin's pick: No, I couldn't find out her name, although I tried.

Sarah Smiley: Watching the show, I can't help but compare the way the women interact to life in a military spouse club. Do you think the woman you chose will adapt to that environment?

Andy: Yes.

Sarah Smiley: Which position in the Spouse Club do you picture her taking up first: President, Hospitality, Social Coordinator, or simply Willing Participant?

Andy: Answering this will give away who I picked. You'll just have to wait and see....

Well, at least he didn't say he could tell me but then he'd have to kill me.

The Navy Doesn't Support Bachelor: Officer and a Gentleman

2007-04-22T23:38:00.000-05:00

Sarah Smiley originally published April 16, 2007
Please see copyright guidelines at www.SarahSmiley.com

The message on my answering machine back in 2005 sounded ominous. "Mrs. Smiley, this is Commander Anderson. Please call me ASAP regarding your writing."

Dustin's face was white. He looked at me and said, "So, will you write to me when I'm in Leavenworth?"

We had feared the worst. At the time, my column was only newly syndicated. Dustin was sure someone up in the chain of command had caught wind of my public musings and that his career was, well, history.

But CDR Bob Anderson, now retired, was calling as an entertainment liaison for the military. When Kelsey Grammer's company optioned the life rights in 2005 to create a sitcom for CBS, they contacted the Navy's Hollywood liaison (Anderson) to request the military's support. Anderson only wanted to speak with me to get more information. Dustin was safe.

I've been a military dependent for 30 years, and until that phone call two years ago, I didn't know the Navy had a Hollywood liaison. Apparently, I'm not the only one. This month, when ABC debuted its tenth season of "The Bachelor" with Lt. Andy Baldwin as the main attraction, dozens of readers wrote me to ask, "Why did the Navy let him (Baldwin) do this?"

The Navy may tell our men how to wear their hair and iron their pants, but when it comes to appearing on television and movies, the military is surprisingly uninvolved. Well, sort of. Back in 2005, the Navy was virtually unfettered by Grammer's interest in my book and column, so long as my active-duty husband remembered his responsibilities as an officer. Which is to say, Dustin should act like he doesn't know me when I talk about that squadron party where a guy jumped off someone's roof and into the pool for "the world's biggest cannon ball."

I called Anderson last week to get the scoop on "The Bachelor." (Anderson acted as the military liaison for ABC until the Navy officially decided not to support the project.)

“Bob, how did the Navy ‘let this happen,’” I said, relaying my readers' concerns. And Bob said, quite simply, "We didn't."

Entertainment liaisons around the country sift through hundreds of pitches each year to determine what the military will or won't support. "We've had some bizarre ones, you wouldn't imagine," says Anderson. The Navy declined to support "The Bachelor."
"[Andy] did it on his own time," says Anderson. "He worked it out with his command and took leave."

One of the reasons the Navy offered no support is because "The Bachelor" is reality television. "We've tried several different ways to work with reality TV," says Anderson, "and it just doesn't work." Anderson's job is to make sure the Navy is portrayed accurately through the entertainment industry. There are too many variables in reality television to make that possible.

My readers also wanted to know why Lt. Baldwin was allowed to "pose" in his uniform. Some episode teasers even show one of the women hugging Baldwin in his summer whites.

Anderson explains: Andy was not allowed to use his uniform explicitly for the show. ABC could film Baldwin in his uniform if it was incidental to the project (for example, when he was touring the Arizona Memorial, where it is considered customary and respectful to be in uniform, or attending an event where he would otherwise wear his uniform.)

"Any previous photos or videos were [Andy's] own property," Anderson says. "We don't have control over that."

But what about the women? What if they decide to do a Debra Winger and put Andy's cover atop their head? (In 2003, someone tried to prosecute me for "impersonating an officer" when I posed for a picture wearing my husband's cover. "Ridiculous," says Anderson, "but I'm not a lawyer.")

"None of these ladies will put on Baldwin's cover, will they?" I asked Anderson.

Anderson immediately points out that Baldwin is a "great guy" whose intentions are to portray the military with respect. "Hopefully there's nothing that extends to other people wearing [Andy's] uniform."

Yes, and more than a few women also hope there will be lots more of Andy out of his uniform and in a bathing suit.

Check out my blog http://smiley-sarah.blogspot.com for more “Bachelor” information and reflections. Next week: an interview with LT Andy Baldwin himself.

Bachelorettes have alot to learn, yes...but not from us

2007-04-18T11:25:00.000-05:00

People are asking me, "Which of the bachelorettes (on The Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman) is truly cut-out to be a military wife?"

My answer: God only knows.

Contrary to what some people say, there is no cookie-cutter military wife, and everyone handles this lifestyle in their own way. Recently I am stunned by reactions to The Bachelor, namely, at the unwelcoming attitude of other military wives:

"They [insert any of the bachelorette's names here] will never make it as a Navy wife."

"Those bachelorettes have no idea what they're getting into."

"Have they not considered that one day they will be raising children alone while Andy is overseas for months and months?"

I admit, I had the same thoughts initially. I even wrote my first Bachelor column in this tone. But the more I watch and the more I think about it, I realize NO military wife knows what she's getting into, and no one handles the lifestyle perfectly.

I was raised a Navy BRAT (my dad was at sea for 11 of the 22 years I spent at home), and still I had no idea deployments would be so on hard on me. (It's one thing to be the daughter of a deployed service member, quite another to be the wife at home with a brand new baby.)

Marrying into the military is like childbirth: nobody can prepare you for it. You can read books, go to classes and listen to advice, but until you've gone through it yourself, you won't know how you'll adapt. Likewise, just as someone who claims they would "NEVER use an Epidural" will likely end up with one, soon-to-be military brides should not assume they will "NEVER handle deployments like so-and-so."

Been-there-done-that military wives tend to have a superior attitude when it comes to having gone through the worst (more on this theory here). Again, like childbirth, some seasoned wives will share every deployment horror story before they'll you about the positive sides of military life. I suppose it is a badge of honor, a way to pat yourself on the back. But telling a new military bride how horrible her life will be has about the same effect as telling a pregnant woman about your episiotome and stretch marks. Best to let people learn some things on their own.

Yes, Andy Baldwin's bride-to-be has alot to learn, but so did we way-back-when. And Commander so-in-so's wife telling us all about it ahead of time didn't help much, did it, now did it?

The Military Uniform: Who can wear it and when

2007-04-18T00:35:00.000-05:00

Alot of talk going on about LT Andy Baldwin's uniform on The Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman.

So let's take a look at NAVPERS 15665I to get some official information. Here's what Section 4, Article 1401.3 has to say. I have placed in bold those items which would probably (remember, I'm not a lawyer) apply to The Bachelor.

(1) Members of the Armed Forces (including retired members and members of reserve components). Wearing of uniforms is prohibited under any of the following circumstances:
(a) Any meeting or demonstration which is a function of, or sponsored by an organization, association, movement, group, or combination of persons which the Attorney General of the United States has designated, pursuant to Executive Order 10450 as amended, as totalitarian, fascist, communist, or subversive, or as having adopted a policy of advocating or approving the commission of acts of force or violence to deny others their rights under the Constitution of the United States by unconstitutional means.
(b) During or in connection with political activities, private employment or commercial interest, that imply official sponsorship of the activity or interest.
(c) When participating in activities such as public speeches, interviews, picket lines, marches, rallies or any public demonstration which implies the service supports the principles of the demonstration or activity. This rule may be waived by the service.(d) When wearing of the uniform would discredit Armed Forces.
(e) When specifically prohibited by regulations of the department concerned.

Military people are pretty uptight when it comes to uniform regulations. My husband won't even stop at the store to pick up milk if he's in his flight suit. And he would never wear his uniform for any public, social event (outside of weddings, funerals, sanctioned balls etc.).

The section in bold above basically says that service members can not wear their uniform in any situation which might mistakenly lead people to believe they are representing the military. For instance, my husband could not appear for an interview on CNN wearing his uniform....unless the military specifically asked him to do so and he was representing it (much like when Generals and Admirals wear their uniforms for Pentagon briefings and so forth). If a service member is interviewed for their personal opinion, they should not be in uniform, lest they give the impression that their opinion is also the military's.

Why can't my husband wear his uniform out to dinner or to a bar? Well, the other section in bold addresses the idea of disparaging or degrading the military and the uniform. If a service member is wearing his uniform when he gets drunk, shows too much PDA, or uses profanity in public, he is acting as a poor ambassador for the military and all his counterparts.

Why won't my husband wear his flight suit to get milk? Because a pilot's flight suit usually looks sloppy, sweaty, and dirty. (They smell bad, too!) My husband won't even wear his gym shorts with USNA (United States Naval Academy) on the front to Home Depot if he hasn't shaved or combed his hair. He only wants to associate himself with the military when he's in top-notch condition.

I told you, they take this very seriously.

Which is why so many people were up in arms when I posed for a picture wearing a Navy officer's cover and used it as the headshot for my syndicated newspaper column, SHORE DUTY.

First, I wasn't authorized to wear the uniform (which goes against a whole other United States Code), but also, by using that photograph in a public setting for my personal gain and employment, I might have misled people to believe that the military sanctioned my column.

It is the same with The Bachelor.

The Navy has officially declined to give their support to The Bachelor; therefore, LT Baldwin should not wear his uniform. The exception to this is that he was allowed, according to CDR Bob Anderson (USN, Ret.), a military/Hollywood liaison, to be filmed in his uniform if it was incidental to the show (such as when he was touring the Arizona Memorial, where it is considered customary and respectful to be in uniform).

Likewise, you probably noticed in Monday night's episode (April 16, 2007) that the two-on-one date wasn't filmed on a military-owned, active aircraft carrier. Andy and the two women were at a museum. The show would have needed the military's support and approval to actually film onboard an aircraft carrier.

But there are shots of Baldwin in his uniform! some will say.

If Baldwin is shown on television in uniform it is because (1) he was in a setting where he would ordinarily wear his uniform (as described by Bob Anderson), (2) ABC is showing personal video footage of Baldwin (the military has no control over personal videos and photographs), or (3) the producers used a stand-in.

On ABC's official The Bachelor homepage, there is an image of an officer with his back turned. You can't see his face or his medals, although you can see his shoulder boards. I doubt this is actually LT Baldwin. People can buy military uniforms at costume shops and thrift stores. Perhaps the producers dressed someone up and filmed them from the back, just to get the "look." Baldwin could not and would not (I presume) pose for such a photo against military orders.

In fact, when I was ridiculed for the headshot of me wearing a Navy officer's cover, it actually wasn't even my husband's hat! The newspaper photographer who took the picture borrowed the hat from a uniform shop down the street.

You see, when it comes to the entertainment world, what you see isn't always as it seems. But when the military is officially sponsoring an endeavor, you can be darn sure what you see is supposed to be what you get.

The Bachelor: Aircraft carrier date good test for potential Navy-wife-to-be

2007-04-16T23:33:00.000-05:00

(Photo: Me as a kid in San Diego, CA, greeting my Navy-pilot dad after one of his many six-month deployments)

Re: The Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman, Episode 3, THE "aircraft carrier" date.

I didn't want to do this, but I will burst if I don't. I feel the need to rip on The Bachelor's "aircraft carrier" date, which aired Monday, April 16th.

I grew up the daughter of an F-14 pilot, so I spent my entire upbringing in and around aircraft carriers. For me, the smell of JP-5 (jet fuel) is an odor that brings back childhood memories...much like homemade cookies might to someone else. I have climbed the ladders, felt the greasy metal railings beneath my hand, and closed down an entire men's "head" (aka, bathroom) when I needed to use the restroom and before the time when aircraft carriers had female acommodations.

But I have never worn high heels on the carrier.

And I have never worn a dress there either.

OK, I realize Tessa and Peyton had no idea they were about to board a Navy ship for their 2-on-1 date with LT Andy Baldwin, but still, I couldn't help but laugh as I watched them teeter across the flight deck in heels, their hands filled with another anomaly given the setting: mixed drinks.

But then, it was sweet to see Andy's comfort and enthusiasm as he showed the ladies his world. We saw a different side of him tonight. Onboard the ship, Dr. Andy seemed, well, relaxed, candid and...talkative. He was like a kindergartner showing his mom his very own paintings hanging outside the art teacher's room. Or, like a kid showing off his camp: "This is where I sleep...and this is where I eat."

Frankly, the whole thing made me incredibly homesick for my comfort zone in Norfolk, VA. I was envious of Tessa and Peyton (well, maybe not Peyton, for she ended up waving goodbye to Andy and Tessa as they lifted off together in a helicopter). But I was envious for reasons you might not think. (I'm married with three kids, after all.) I was jealous because I knew Peyton and Tessa were going to bed with that wind-beaten feel to their hair, the smell of jet fuel on their clothes, and dark black grease on the soles of their shoes (er, heels).

Andy has said many times on the show that he wants to find someone who can adapt to military life, who will make a good Navy wife. If the aircraft carrier date is any precursor, Tessa will do just fine. She smiled in the face of the wind. She trotted across the deck in her heels. She nodded with sincere interest when visiting the galley and the sick bay. And as far as I could tell, she didn't spill a drop of that cocktail.

What else could a man want in a Navy wife? Except maybe some tennis shoes and shorts on the next carrier visit.

Interviews

2007-04-16T12:22:00.000-05:00

Many of you have written to ask, so here's the scoop...

My interview with CDR Bob Anderson (USN, Ret.), the entertainment/military liaison for The Bachelor until the military declined to support the show, will be published in newspapers this week. I will post the archive here next week, once the copyrights revert back to me.

My interview with Andy Baldwin will be published in newspapers NEXT week, and I will post the archive here the following week.

For a list of newspapers and magazines that publish my weekly syndicated column, please see FAQs on my webpage www.sarahsmiley.com

The Bachelor: Can I call his pick a "wife"?

2007-04-16T11:38:00.000-05:00

Someone recently reminded me of this column I wrote last year. I thought it would be apropos to post here, given that I can actually (thank God) call LT Andy Baldwin's pick on The Bachelor a "wife."

**Please remember my copyright policies concerning reprints of SHORE DUTY. I like to keep my editors happy.**

Military's Dirty Little Words
Sarah Smiley | February 27, 2006

Did you know that "husband" and "wife" have become dirty little words in the military, replaced with the kinder, gentler "spouse"?

Yes, it's true. You can no longer say, "My husband is deployed." You have to say, "My spouse is deployed." And you're not a military wife. No way. You're a military spouse.

Political correctness has finally invaded one of the last institutions that can still openly require its employees to wear their hair a certain way and unapologetically turns away people who are colorblind. The military can have a standard of dress, fitness and, yes, even height, but they don't have military wives or deployed husbands. They have military spouses.

As a columnist and author, this new lingo has created a lot of confusion for me. When I write, "Military spouses meet once a month for support," how do you know whom I'm talking about? Is it deployed service members who meet once a month? Is it the families back home?

And what if I wrote, "Military husbands and wives meet once a month for support"?

You see how this can get very cumbersome, and how the new, politically correct way of speaking adds quite a bit of word count to a columnist's weekly feature. I long for the days (dare I say it?) when I could write, "We wives get together monthly for support." Because here's the thing, there are no male spouses in my Wives, I mean, Spouse Club!

Editors suggest not using the same word more than once on a single page. For instance, it would be uncreative if I were to use "lingo" a second time in this column. Instead, I'll have to come up with other synonyms. "Jargon," "vernacular" and "terminology" perhaps. Yet I am restricted ("limited," "controlled," "restrained") to the word "spouse" when I'm referring to men and women who are married to someone in the military. I can't even say "dependents," because that's another no-no.

This whole thing, and the fear of it, has become so engrained in my head that the other day I told a telemarketer on the phone, "No, my spouse isn't home right now." I immediately laughed because it sounded stilted. But the truth is, "husband" just doesn't roll off my tongue any more.

When I was growing up as a military brat, I mean, dependent….oops, I mean, kid?....my mom was a Navy Wife and took me to Wives Club meetings. The commissary had brown paper bags with "Navy Wife: it's the toughest job in the Navy" printed on them. Being a "Navy Wife" was a big deal, and the Wives Club was like a grown-up secret sorority. I remember sitting on my back porch and watching Mom and the other women pose for pictures that would be sent overseas to their husbands. They blew kisses at the camera, giggled and bonded in a way that only women who are missing their husbands usually can.

I can't help but think those days are gone forever. It's about as politically correct to act like a sorority at a Spouse Club meeting as it is to paint Bomber Girls and nose art on the side of aircraft. The romance of it is gone. I'm not a Navy Wife. I'm a military spouse. And somehow that feels sterile.

I'm not saying that male spouses aren't important. (And, by "male spouses," of course, I mean men who are married to female service members.) I'm also not saying that men shouldn't be in the Spouse Club, or that they personally have in some way taken the romance out of military life. It is not the men or the women who have created this dilemma, but rather it is society's desire to lump us all together and make everyone equal that has.

I should be able to call myself a "military wife" without offending anyone else. When my spouse club is made up females, I shouldn't feel ashamed that I refer to it as the Wives Club. And when I write, "my husband is a Navy pilot," I shouldn't have to pull out the thesaurus and look for a different word.

Because, ultimately, what's happening here is that being a wife isn't the toughest job in the military anymore. But figuring out what to call ourselves is.

LT Baldwin's Pick: Coming to a duty station near you?

2007-04-15T12:32:00.000-05:00

I was talking with other military wives recently when I realized that more than any other bachelor in the past, we are excessively invested in this one (The Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman). Not ALL Navy wives, mind you--I realize there are still those who despise the show--but for the romantics out there, for every military wife who secretly TiVo's The Bachelor, this one has struck a chord.

Why?

My initial response is obvious: LT Andy Baldwin is a Navy officer and doctor, and ABC hyping that up big time.

But there's something more.

In past episodes of The Bachelor, the man and his dates were basically intangible to most of us. We didn't know them; would never know them; and after the Final Rose Ceremony, we didn't think of them again (except to flip open US Weekly at the grocery store to see if they are still together).

But this Navy bachelor? Well, he could bring his final pick to a duty station near any one of us! She could be in our Spouse Club. She could hand us a tissue on the pier. She could be the one (because there needs to be someone) who advises us against wearing a thigh-high skirt to Homecoming.

She could sit with us on the couch and watch future episodes of The Bachelor when our husbands are deployed!

So like a family member judging another family member's spousal selection ("Can we eat Thanksgiving dinner with this woman?" "Do I want to see her every Christmas?"), we watch Baldwin closely to see if we approve of the woman he might bring into our lives (by way of the Spouse Club). Will she fit in? Could we see ourselves being friends with her?

I have my thoughts about which of the bachelorettes is best suited for military life, but without naming names, and with all other things (emotional stability, commitment, ability to unclog a toilet) aside, here's what makes a good friend in the Spouse Club:

She doesn't take herself seriously. When the guys deploy, Spouse Clubs become alot like college dormitories. Everyone knows far too much about everyone else. Seldom in our adult lives do we learn as much about our friends as we do when we're in a Spouse Club and our husband is across the world.

My closest adult friends are those that went through deployments with me. I've always said it's like being stuck in an elevator with a stranger. People who endure a stressful situation together usually come out of it intense friends.

I would not want to be stuck in an elevator with anyone who takes themselves too seriously; who can't take a joke; who is too embarrassed to tell me that when she found a roach in her bathroom, she fled to a hotel rather than kill it.

She likes to participate. My very first Spouse Club was considering fundraisers to collect money for disadvantaged families over the holidays when someone in the group said, "Rather than waste a weekend selling cookies or washing cars, why don't we all just write a check for the cause and get on with our lives?"

Some of us--mostly the new wives--were stunned. Because really, the endeavor was only 50% for the disadvantaged families and 50% for us. Our husbands had just left for a six-month deployment and many of us were scared and lonely in a new, unfamiliar city. The fundraiser served the purpose of allowing us to bond. The woman who wanted to write a check and be done with it created a rift and set up a barrier to friendships that would be increasingly important as our husbands' deployment was extended for the war.

Besides, quite a few of us had no real life to "get on with."

A fun military spouse compadre says, "Yes! Let's do it!" And then she calls a new, young member and offers to drive her to the event.

Her door is always open. My best friends in the Spouse Club have an open-door/open-phone line policy. If one of us needs the other, it doesn't matter if it's 3 o'clock in the morning.

When our husbands were returning from their first deployment, my friend Kristi said, "I have this feeling that you and I need to sort of 'break up' in order to let our husband back into our lives." We both laughed. But it was true. We had become each other's family in the absence of our spouses.

However, what we could not see then was that we had become so close, even once our husbands were home, we STILL had an open-door/open-phone line policy....and it continues to this day, nearly five years later.

She likes to have fun. Military life can be hard. You need a friend to lighten it up a bit. Someone who can, say, do the "worm" on the living room floor (Kate), do back flips in a ball gown (Stephanie), bake a cake with Tequila (Nicole), make a muffin joke (Tessa) or generally have an upbeat attitude (Bevin, Danielle, Amber) provides enormous support, laughter and good times to an otherwise stressful experience.

Ah, but for the record, if "the one" should be any of the other women, and she and I end up at the same duty station, I will gladly welcome her into the sisterhood. I will even drive her to a fundraiser, call her at midnight, and do my Mr. Chin party-trick for her.

I will welcome her into the family that is the Navy.

Because that's what military wives do.

Andy Baldwin Did NOT Take Six Months Leave to Film The Bachelor

2007-04-13T09:44:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I cleared up rumors about Andy's alleged car on The Bachelor.

Now let's talk about another rumor getting military wives almost as flustered as when there's a change in the detachment schedule: How much leave did LT Baldwin actually take to film The Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman?

ABC's official Bachelor website says this about eligible bachelors:

Bachelors and Bachelorettes must be available to travel and participate in "The Bachelor" for selected days over a six (6) month period in 2006, and to participate in taping additional Program materials and in promotional activities for the Program for selected days thereafter upon Producer's request....

Bachelor(s) and Bachelorette(s) must be able to travel for long periods of time...

The Bachelor and The Bachelorettes must report and be available to participate in the Program at all times and places as Producer shall designate.

Some people are downright livid at the thought that a Navy LT took SIX MONTHS of leave to star in a reality television show.

Well, you can all take a deep breath and calm down, because a source has told me that Andy took exactly 40 days of leave -- approved, of course, by his direct command.

Here's part of the DoD's Directive (1327.6)

6.2. Annual Leave Programs. All commanders shall establish annual leave programs
that provide their service members the opportunity to take leave within the constraints ofoperational requirements. To obtain maximum benefit from the objectives of annual leave programs, commanders shall provide Service members the opportunity to take frequent periods of leave, including whenever possible, at least one extended leave period each year of approximately 14 consecutive days in length or longer.

6.5. Entitlement and Accumulation. Members of the Armed Forces are entitled to
accumulate leave at the rate of 2 1/2 days for each month of active military service...

6.9. Uses of Leave. The use of leave as a method of compensation or as a career
continuation incentive through the accrual of large leave balances contradicts the intent of the Congress to provide for the health and welfare of Service members. Therefore, commanders shall encourage and assist all Service members to use, on the average, their entire 30 days accrued leave each year.

**By the way, this information is great to have handy when, say, your husband tells you he might not be able to take leave for your wedding, your tonsillectomy, etc. If you haven't already figured it out, most military men are reluctant to take leave. Spouses should feel free to tape the above information to said military man's bathroom mirror**

But back to LT Andy Baldwin.

My guess is that Andy probably took very little leave during his years as a medical student. From what I gather, he is a proven hard-worker and dedicated officer. why wouldn't his commander grant him some time off after years -- perhaps ten or more -- of long, hard work? Heck, the DoD Directive above actually encourages commanders to do so.

But Sarah, you say, ABC claims bachelors need six months or more to dedicate to the show.

It has been confirmed for me that Andy is back at work in Hawaii. If filming began some time around the first of the year, um well, Jan, Feb, March, Apr....that's NOT six months! It baffles me that people are even claiming Andy took six months. Haven't they done the math?

My guess is that ABC wanted a Navy doctor on the show SO bad, they probably crammed a whole lot of taping into the amount of time Andy could take off.

I've been on the receiving end of these photo shoots and taped television programs. Although it is admittedly fun and exciting, it's also tiresome and demanding. I don't believe Andy was gallivanting around for the whole 40 days.

Plus, my source tells me that Andy was sick with a fever and Bronchitis for most of episodes 2, 3, and 4. If that is any sick consolation to the negative-Nancy's out there.

The Saleen S7 - Is It Really The Bachelor Andy Baldwin's Car?

2007-04-12T21:28:00.000-05:00

For the love of all that is good, let's put this rumor to bed about LT Andy Baldwin, this season's "The Bachelor," driving a fancy-schmancy sports car.

A source has confirmed for me that both the car and the yacht are not Andy Baldwin's. Did we really think a 30-year old making LT's pay could afford ONE of those, let alone both?

Anyone can look up the Navy's pay rates and see approximately how much LT Baldwin brings in each month. Not enough to own the roughly $600,000 car.

A simple Google search will also show you that the fancy car featured weekly on The Bachelor is actually a Saleen S7. They have a link to their press release about The Bachelor and the S7 right on the homepage.

Also, previews for next Monday's show feature Andy racing with one of the bachelorettes. Obviously, ABC is giving props to car-maker to the stars, Steve Saleen.

Just my opinion, but I think Bachelor Andy looks horribly uncomfortable stepping out of that car. It's so incongruent. He looks about as uncomfortable as my husband when I made him dress up in an inflatable bull rider costume one Halloween. (For the record, my kids loved it! Shall I post the photo here, Dusty?....)

Besides, my source tells me that Andy drives a jeep.

The Saleen? Just an over-the-top rental.

If, however, you still need proof, just hop on over to ABC's official The Bachelor website and click on "As Seen On." It says right there in plain English:

Bachelor Car furnished by
Saleen

Interview with Andy Baldwin

2007-04-12T15:58:00.000-05:00

I have an interview with LT Andy Baldwin (The Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman) through which I hope to clear up alot of rumors for all of you. I was hoping to have the interview finished for next week's column (April 16-20), but I think it is more likely to run the week after that.

However, I will of course post some teasers and outtakes here on the blog, because apparently everyone can't get enough of this bachelor!

Ya know, Phil Stacey of American Idol is Navy, too. But, I know, I know - HE isn't an ironman and doctor. OK, and well, he's also married.

But, we haven't heard LT Baldwin sing yet, have we?

Although he looks like a swell dancer.

Hmmm.

LT Andy Baldwin: What's He Really Like?

2007-04-11T21:09:00.000-05:00

Oddly, I know two people who went to school with LT Andy Baldwin. One of these guys I know very well. So I had to ask, "What's he really like?" Over and over again I'm told, "Andy's a good guy."

Although we have become a nation that loves to dish about celebrities and their dirty laundry, at some point we must acquiesce that more than a few of these regular-people-turned-instant-celebrities are actually "good guys."

As someone who has sometimes (Oh, alright, often) been the target of message-board fodder and ridicule, I can tell you there is a huge disconnect between what the public sees/hears and what is really going on. Too often we base our opinions about people we don't even know on edited material we've seen in newspapers and magazines, and also on television.

Monday night, as my husband, Dustin, and I watched the second episode of The Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman, we both cringed when LT Andy Baldwin said something to the effect of, "I'm a doctor and a healer." We weren't cringing at Baldwin's words exactly; we flinched because we knew all too well how the public would perceive it.

"How many times is he going to point out that he's a doctor?" people would say. And, "I'm a 'healer'? Who says that?"

Several months ago, Dustin and I were interviewed for a documentary that is included on the soon-to-be-released An Officer and a Gentleman collector's DVD. I've become used to the interview process, but for Dustin, it was a first. When the producers said something like, "So, Dustin, what did you think when you first met Sarah again?" Dustin would say, "That she was alot different from the way I remembered her when we were kids." (Dustin and I have known each other since our moms were members of the same Navy spouse club the year I was born.)

But the producers couldn't use Dustin's response the way he said it because the finished product will not show the interviewer. No one would know that someone had asked, "What did you think when you first met Sarah again?" before he said, ""That she was alot different from the way I remembered her when we were kids."

So Dustin had to answer again, this time saying something like, "When I first met Sarah again after ten years of not seeing each other....."

This isn't the way my husband usually speaks. It is stilted and formal. But that's the way you often have to talk for interviews, or else the audience would be confused and nothing would make any sense.

When Andy Baldwin said, "I'm a doctor and a healer..." perhaps the producers had told him, "Answer that question again, but this time remind the viewers that you are a doctor...."

I don't know that this is how it happened. I'm just trying to make a point.

When the bachelor and the bachelorettes are doing interviews directly into the camera, don't forget that an interviewer is on the other side prompting them with questions. ("Do you think Andy is sexy?" "How did you feel when he didn't give you alone time?" etc.)

The people who know Andy say he's a great guy. Some people who don't know him, those who have only seen his taped interviews and television appearances, disagree.

I don't know about you guys, but I think I'm going to trust the former.

Navy Declines Support of Bachelor

2007-04-10T23:19:00.000-05:00

Alright, alright. This was SUPPOSED to be in my next week's column, but so many have asked, I thought I should give some insight here.

Last week I interviewed CDR Bob Anderson (USN, Ret.) who was the military/entertainment liaison (yes, they have these) for The Bachelor until the Navy officially declined to get involved. For the record, Anderson also is the liaison for the project Kelsey Grammer is developing with the rights to my book and columns.

So we can all relax and take a deep breath. The Navy knows better than to get involved in reality television.

My column next week will have the full interview with Anderson. I also have an interview pending with Andy Baldwin. So hopefully my column will include quotes from him as well.

Until then, here's a teaser from my forthcoming column:

Military entertainment liaisons around the country sift through hundreds of pitches each year ("We've had some bizarre ones, you wouldn't imagine," says Anderson) to determine what the military will and will not support. The Navy declined to support "The Bachelor."

"[Andy] did it on his own time," says Anderson. "He worked it out with his command and took leave."

One of the many reasons the Navy offered no support to ABC is because "The Bachelor" qualifies as reality television. "We've tried several different ways to work with reality TV," says Anderson, "and it just doesn't work." Anderson's job is to make sure the Navy is portrayed accurately through the entertainment industry. There are too many variables in reality television to make that possible.

My readers also wanted to know why LT Baldwin was allowed to "pose for the program" in his uniform. Some episode teasers even show one of the bachelorettes hugging Baldwin in his summer whites....

Anderson's answer to that coming soon!

A Child's View of "The Spatula"

2007-04-10T17:39:00.000-05:00

I was watching a taped episode of The Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman today while my 4-year-old son, Owen, sat on the floor playing with Matchbox Cars. I didn't realize Owen was halfway listening to the program until he said, "Is this The Spatula?"

Excuse me?

"Is this The Spatula show?" Owen said again.

"It's Bachelor," I corrected, "and it's for grown-ups."

From time to time, despite my best efforts to keep my young son from watching the show, he looked up and offered candid observations about what he was seeing and hearing on the television.

"Mom, that man [LT Andy Baldwin] has too many girlfriends."

"Don't you think that man should share the women with other men?"

"What about men who don't have women? Would they not like this man?"

"That man's face looks funny when he looks at the women."

"That woman is a princess. She said so. She said the man makes her a princess."

"Do you think those women really care about the spatula's car?"

"Because, really, it looks like my Matchbox car."

An Officer and a Gentleman: Collector's Edition

2007-04-10T17:32:00.000-05:00

Speaking of An Officer and a Gentleman....

On May 1, 2007, a special collector's edition of An Officer and a Gentleman will be released. My husband, Dustin, and I are featured in the Bonus Section in a documentary about military couples.

The most exciting rose ceremony...I mean, blog....EVER!

2007-04-10T16:29:00.000-05:00

I am a Navy wife and a military columnist. I should have an opinion about ABC's newest season of The Bachelor, featuring navy officer and doctor LT Andy Baldwin, right?

Apparently.

After the show debuted last week, dozens of readers sent me messages asking, "Sarah, what's your take?"

Good thing I DVR'd the first episode.

I quickly shot off two columns about The Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman (to be published this week and next in newspapers and magazines that subscribe to my weekly column, SHORE DUTY), but even once I was done, readers chimed in with more good Bachelor observations and thoughts.

I could write about this every week, I thought. But my editors wouldn't like that. Two back-to-back columns on the same subject might even be crossing the line.

Which brings me to this new blog. I will post here weekly with nothing more than my response to ABC's The Bachelor.

Now, about the title: Have you ever noticed how Chris Harrison claims that each episode's Rose Ceremony is THE MOST EXCITING......EVER?

This is a phrase my husband, Dustin, has (regrettably) clung to. He's the kind of guy who says something funny once, and everyone laughs. So then he says it over and over again, at every opportunity, until I am no longer laughing, but rolling my eyes.

How many times can Dustin make fun of Chris Harrison? Let me count the ways.....

"And now, it's time for the MOST EXCITING dinner ever!"
"Up next, THE most exciting bedtime story....ever!"
"Stay tuned, THE most exciting husband EVER arriving home from work in ten minutes.

Oh, please.